Some deliciously painful rejections were offered up yesterday in competition for the newest issue of PANK. Some highlights included Leilani, who got dumped by a dude because he was scared he might fall “too much in love,” Reynard, who got an entire boot of beer poured on him, and David, whose camp counselor called him the ugliest fucking kid he’d ever seen.

But there can be only one winner and that person is Peter Richter:

5th grade I ask a girl if we could “go steady.”

At lunch I sat with her and she told me, nicely, that we wouldn’t make a good couple. And then she goes “But you’re pretty.”

I thought it odd to be called pretty but I remembering thinking it was still nice of her to say so I replied. “Thank…”

and she interrupted, “Pretty pathetic.” And the entire lunch table erupted in laughter.

I took my lunch and embarrassment to another table.

Ouch. Hopefully the wounds of the past can be healed with the gift of literature, Peter. Congrats on winning the new issue of PANK, a publication that would never insult you publicly. Their new slogan perhaps?