I don’t know if I’m just really uninspired this week or if there’s an exceptional amount of bland shit being churned out lately, but the covers of this weeks new releases are neither rocking me or bumming me out. As if I’m standing in a hot driveway, sweating, after just having jogged three miles and I’m waiting for the publishing world to come bring me a nitrogen-cold strawberry daiquiri they promised, but instead they show up and offer me a tepid glass of milk. Here’s a round-up of this weeks book covers that are totally devoid of harm, risk and fun. Wallow in the mediocrity! Wallow, I say!

For the amature mortician and/or zombie enthusiast there’s Larry King’s new memoir. Might want to think twice about putting that mug on a book cover in order to sell books instead of inducing panic trips to the botox clinic.

Photographer: Larry, give us a big warm smile.

Larry King: I am smiling.

Photographer: No, that’s more of a Dick-Cheney-evil-genius-predator sneer you’ve got happening there. Think more “I’d like to share my life story with you” and less “I’d like to lure you to my dungeon and feast on your innards.”

Larry King: …

Photographer: Larry?

Larry King: …

Photographer: Jesus. Will somebody poke him with a stick or something?

More like The Forgotten Use of Restraint Concerning Vine Embellishments and Sepia Filters.

Sure, Allen was a living legend in the skin moisturizer advertising comunity, but designing a book cover would be a new challenge entirely.

The man who owns this book…

a. leaves his television on the History Channel at all times.

b. owns an impressive collection of guns and cleans them regularly. While watching the History Channel.

c. prays for provocation.

d. secretly wears a sports bra he stole from The Finish Line in the mall.

e. All of the above.